Age Old Insecurities...

Some of you have been wondering if I am not just glossing over and selling you this change in my life because I haven't included a smattering of negativity. Instead of going there, I think I'll just point out a few things that I realized don't change in our lives even when we are older and more confident or get the courage to move across the globe... these things just seem like part of our humaness and we can not quite seem to escape them. I am in the initial stages of relationship building in a new world and it feels like grade 4 all over again ... some things just don't change entirely because we've aged.

I want people to like me. Now when I was a kid, I guess I didn't care exactly what or why they liked, I just wanted to be liked. Now that I am older, I want to be liked for the right reasons but there is still this part of me that wants others to enjoy having me around. I think it sometimes can get in the way of who I am. There is part of me that has the ability to morph into the person that others like, unfortunately, that person changes from person to person and at this point in my life I am not willing to do that. SO how do I solve this? I am making the effort to become someone that I like. I am letting God shape in this process also. He's good with messy clay projects. He'll make sense of me somehow and He likes me already.

I think closely connected is our need to connect with others. I am prayerfully asking God to show me where I fit in this community. Inspite of the fact that my schedule is opposite every person on campus, I work when they are off - they work when I am off, I still need friendships. God has been so faithful providing some really amazing and significant friendships in the last year, but as wonderful as they are, they are in other parts of this world. I need presence at times. I need to be looked in the eye. I need to have those close enough to hug. I need community and I need it here. The 'getting to know you stage' is my least favorite stage. I am not good at small talk, strangers can attest. I just like to jump right in to the real stuff. That is not always popular or safe feeling to others.

It doesn't seem easier to learn the dance of making new friends in a new place just because I am older. We are pitted with age old insecurities. We remember all the times when others were careless with us or down-right mean. We still are not sure we're good enough, the ones we are seeking out are probably thinking the same thing. We still want to be liked and want friends. We all need to take off our masks but the false security that that provides is somehow our comfort and it won't ever happen.

I am thankful that God has given me at least one friendship where I do not sensor my thoughts. I just have one serious case of 'BLURTITIS" and somehow we are still growing closer together and she hasn't run for the hills. I think that it is what it all comes down to - We want to be known. Not just for the things that others can see, but really seen, really known. She pursues that faithfully and not just the fancy shmancy stuff, she wants as much of it as she can have. Though my friend sees so much of me that I feel pretty well known, she still doesn't get it all.

This deepest desire to be known - I think God set it into us, I think the desire of His heart was that we would one day come to the point of wanting Him to be the one who knows us. I realize in this mix of wanting to be known, that at times my focus has been about creating an environment that is comfortable for me. Being known is not usually comfortable, is it? He wants to know me. In this sea of humans all seeking to be known, HE wants to know me. Why look any further. He has all I need. He knows that I need others. He knows that need is filled first in Him.

SO I believe my God will supply all my needs according to his glorious Riches...